Edit van Ender: Trigger warning, ik weet dat sommige mensen erg gevoelig zijn hiervoor dus doe er even spoiler tags omheen
Spoiler:
As I am typing this letter all my emotions come a little loose one word at a time I can think and let them appear on the black screen, sometimes it's the only thing that I have, in order to express myself. I have some form of autism, maybe it has something to do with it maybe not. It's just really hard because before I have my thoughts logically figured out my mind is already wondering about the next part, so if it is unreadable please forgive me, I'll even give you the pleasure of giving me the iron price. Would do me no hurt, I am ready to die, have been for a long time. I am constantly fighting myself on what to do to what to say, afraid for what is coming. Now there is uncertainty about my financial means. Of course I have a appointment at the hospital again it's a lecture about all that is to come in on this long hard. Gender Identity Disorder, god I wish that some miracle just screams out of the blue and can explain this world of hurt. Please let it be something else then Gender Dysphoria, then I wouldn't need all this shit changed. Then I wouldn't have to validate after, will I pass as a female will people accept me for it? And what about girlfriends, where are the gossips, the dresses shopping and most of all the emotional support required to keep this society together. I am constantly at fear, afraid that all the concrete at which I stand is about to burst and crack. There seems to be no way to afford it, If this is all that life is gonna give me. Then I might as well finish it now, don't know whats holding me down maybe fear. It's definitely a portion that want's to see tomorrow and enjoy all the things in life. Nice warm weather with the bicycle, short pants nice long hair. Full of self trust, enjoyment and above all having actually the feeling of being alive. Because the urge of suicide is poisoning my mind more and more every single everyday god damn way, I stare it in the eyes every single day. It has so far been shitting on every joy I have had ever since, but what can I do? I should just accept it, Just lif out your life is what they say. Well I'd rather be dead then a prison in my own little body for the rest of my life. Sometimes alcohol and weed gives me a bit of outlet, but that is just another deadly sin, because everything is exactly the same. The urge to cut through my wrists seems to rise every single day, although it may seem like a innocent and laughable attempt off seeking relieve and a couple of drops of blood. It gives me the feedback of knowing that living is in fact still what I am feeling. Cause I think it's all just one big giant nightmare, I can't wrap my head around this shit. Every times I look at my hands it disgusts es me, my legs I hate them with every inch it should not be this way, my face id like to cut it, just to see if it likes to see me so mad. I try to cry's express all that is pressing through my guts, nothing... It's all just untouchable..
Dear Allyson, hold on. You're not alone. We love you. I'm not a regular poster here because I'm Dutch. But there will be other relations. I feel with you. Love!
Als het leven echt te zwaar word moet je daarvoor echt hulp zoeken
De stap naar de huisarts is een goede maar in acute gevallen kan contact opnemen met 113online.nl ook een stap zijn
Heel veel sterkte
Overigens ben ik van mening dat Carthago moet worden verwoest.
Je leven wordt uiteindelijk beter, vergeet dit nooit. Soms lijken tijden moeilijk, denk dan aan de mooie tijden die je hebt meegemaakt en hoeveel van die mooie momenten je nog kan beleven. Je lichaam kan je veranderen, vrienden kan je opnieuw vinden , je kan je happy zone bereiken.
Als je maar niet opgeeft.
We zijn hier om steun te geven waar we dat kunnen, maar zitten aan de andere kant van een computer scherm.
Zoek ook mensen op in je omgeving die je kunnen steunen en kunnen praten met je over hoe je je voelt.
Ik dank jullie allen voor de reacties, ik heb dit in het engels geschreven omdat het opdat moment in die manier door mijn gedachte heen ging. Weet niet echt waarom, en ik weet dat er mooie tijden aan zitten te komen zorg er ook voor dat ik daar mijn kracht uit haal.
Allyson, je klinkt erg depressief, ik zou je aanraden om naar een psycholoog te gaan waar je over dit soort dingen kunt praten/uitwerken, misschien ook hulp in de vorm van antidepressiva.
En uit ervaring, het wordt ooit beter veel sterkte
veel sterkte