Why is it that in this world we just cannot say. Well i am depressed so i need some time of calm and No stress.. they say things like just shake it off and all kinds of that stuff. i thought i could never say these kind of things to someone Who is going through a hard time. But thinking back i did say these things i used to even say it to myself. And now i understand this i am having a rough time and they say those things, i feel Hurt. And so i know now i have Hurt a lot of People in my life already. Just by saying these simple words... just shake it off... well i just can't shake it off. I now understand what happend to the People Who i have Said it to.. not realizing ever to experience those Same feelings and thoughts. Till i knew i was holding myself back. Back in my saying my doing everything i liked. All of it. I came into this dark Place..And it is hard to get Out of it. My life had just kind of stopped. But just by a few simple words from my Mother last year during Christmas i felt myself finding on the lowest point in my life. by the look in her Eyes and She meant it... was just this i just want you to be happy. No matter what. It changed something in me. I had to admit it. To myself en everybody else Who i am.. And just just a few weeks later everybody knew what they Needed to know. So i saw and still see that time as the time i was going up Out of that dark hole... a lot of things happend in that time. And now i am at that point of being scared. But having hope. It is a really strange and scary stage to be in. And now i just try and try. But still i hear 'just shake it off'. I guess in this time.. i do not want nor am i ready to shake it all just off. Just give me a moment. And just shake it off is sometimes just Hurts very much. I still have a long way to go and i am Just going to Take the time i need. And Who does not like that is not suppost to be in my life. And when i decide this is my time now i am going to fullfill my dreams (what i am already doing). And yes the borderline and ADD play allong in all this but i am fighting that as well. And if that is at this moment is not enough for some People. I Learned that, that is not my problem. If my being loving and caring is all i can handle now. Then Let me Take light Out of that. And than you will see me get even better. I just need some time. And some more than others. And I know this is not light. Or happiness but if you read between the lines you see that i do have happiness and i do see that. Just not all the time. And writing this makes me a winner in some way.
and i am on my way of being even a better winner.